Complaint letter from an English woman

Dear you,

I am writing these lines to express my dissatisfaction towards your service. When you left me last Tuesday, I felt nothing but embarrassment and desolation. After being all cried out, I took a moment to think about us, our history, and what our future would have been like.

You marred me. Do not wince! (I can see you) You know you did, cheap bastard. I cooked for you, ironed your underwear, and cleaned your toilet (you are like a swine). I rolled you over in your sleep every time you were snoring, and tucked you in when sick.

What ever happened to all those promises you made? I now find myself surrounded with shitty gifts (when I said “cheap bastard”, I really meant it), no prince charming, and no bloody ring on my finger. I should have listened to my friends. Thinking about you makes me nauseous.

I expect a total refund (you being my sexual outlet for the next 5 to 10 years), and a sincere apology, both written and verbal (kneel on the floor and beg little slug). Otherwise, I shall be forced to take matters further (I heard you bought a new car...).

Yours truly,

Me

PS: Get ready for the strap-on :)